this post's for me

pine apple
pine apple
pine apple
pine apple
pine apple
pine apple
apine apple
apine apple
apine apple
pine apple
apine apple
slow motion
mildew
sorrrow sodden
mildew
mildew
sodden
moron
sillybillygoat
breaks his horn
now what
csa
cas
casa
mexicana
now what
now what
blue
blue
prelude
blue
blue
blue
blue
bling
bling
bling
psycho
meterioroid
howdyouspellthat
meanwhile
meanwhile
meanwhile
meanwhile
meanwhile
meanwhile
repeat
ctrl alt delete
so now what
okay
too bad
now leave
meanwhile
meanwhile
meanwhile
meanwhile
meanwhile
he takes out his gun
and rocks her world
umm is that the right word to use
rocks her world?
anyway
meanwhile
now what does he do
what does she do
what will happen
wheres the time for going back now
does he think about
is it gone
poof into thin air
anyway
there will be time
to ebb and flow
a time to leave and atime to heal
turn turn turn
i like that song
meanwhile
meanwhile
meanwhile
dinosaur
plays
in a level playing field
pterodactyls
i was 2 when i went to school i believe
actually i was almost 3
but i believe i was 2
and my ma did do my homework with her left hand
and i lost my pencilbox
it was yellow
in auxillium convent
flat yellow
and the next day i saw it on top of the cupboard
and i dint say it was mine
cause i hated attenion
so maureen miss walked around the class asking for claim
i dint claim
i still wonder why
wow i was scared of nuns
sister superior
i thought her name was sister supeeriya.
maureen miss wore simple a-line frocks.
frock needs can can
not a frock
ladies dress hem line just below the knee with half umbrella cut and a belt the same color
and i thought boys pee-d backwards. what does that mean?
peeing backwards.
meanwhile
i remember the smell of peppered boiled egg when i opened my plastic tiffin box
the smell of green guava cut into two mingling with boiled eggs peppered.
and i'd feel at home. comfort food. and i'd love choking on the yoke. and love the smokey overboiled smell that rubbed off on the guava.
shelled boiled eggs and choking make me feel womby.
the tables in auxillium were steel green and shiny. They had grey foldable whatchumaycallit. undersides on which the greensteel rested. pods? and we had sleeping period. we slept after lunch.
everybody had to compulsorily put their headsdown. i couldnt sleep like that and the older girls came down to monitor us. strange. anyway then there was the loo class. everyone had to go to the loo to pee in a straight line single file. the loo was khaki light coming through frosted glass on top. ventilator?
anyway. then i came home by schoolbus. The usher was called manoranjan-da. hmm. and everytime i got off they'd say chandrani bye! and i dint know what to say. i was embarassed at so much attention. i hated auxillium. now that i think of it. and i remember being confused that this girl neha/ niti had 2 names. i remember telling my father " Neha Niti same" and i sat down each time bringing my skirt behind me neat, with my legs together crossed one on the other like i was in a nunnery. my mom thinks i have 'regressed' now. frog she calls me when i sleep especially.
what to do
she called me a social butter fly this supriya in her blog. referring to me Dec 31. sometimes i have a cheerful disposition and a surprise myself at how sociable i can be. dhiren the host said i knew more people than he did. anyway. i surprise myself.
asima hjas beautiful eyes, full of karuna like she saw a bomb blow up her home. she has the deepest voice. no not manly. but just deep.how to say. emerging from some memory. i see her far far away. why do i see her far far away. she loves old monk neat i know. she drank and drank and drank and sat on the swing and got qoozy and passed out. that was at the end of TY. why was she at the party i cant remember. she came with shuchi. but it was a lit party what was an eco doing there. or did she major AIC?
meanwhile
meanwhile
meanwhile
meanwhile
prince ali khandani ali of agrabah
tomorrow my day is packed
god Hr, Hen, Tbsh, Frh...who else? ma is leaving for kolkata again. should i get drunk with H and H tomorrow? they share the same bday. 2 of my closests.
mummyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
hmm hmm hmmm hmm hmmmmmm if i saw you in heaven
when i was small i thought girls who dint wear petticoat(camisole?) under their uniforms were immoral. and those who wore small white undies without duckie frills at the back were bad girls and should be punished (this is when i was 3). shame to them. I kept a good distance from them. then one day i learnt deepali this girl who ui thought was a good girl dint wear petticoat and i was so upset. and this i am talking about lower primary school through primary school.
In senior school my bes friend was the one who refused to wear a bra like all the other girls who were so desperate to get into one. she wore a petticoat. so she wasnt like "those kind of girls". She was a good girl. This girl Samantha wore only the bra and no petticoat. I was mortified when she sat next to me. and then i found she had a boyfriend. to add to that i found that SHE STUDIED NOT FROM HER OWN NOTES BUT FROM THE NAVNEET GUIDE. OMYGOD! terrible. one day she was talking to me and i felt physically sick because she was that chick who had boobs and dint attempt to hide it under 3 layers of underclothing and flattening sports bra and had a skirt 2 inches shorter than it was supposed to be and rolled her socks down and had a boyfriend EWWWWWW and studied from omygod the navneet guide AND she sucked at Math. I was scared of that type. People who couldnt do math. and people who couldnt spell.
now i think i was so frikkin judgemental.
so when did i grow up! ? i cant quite place it. i think i grew up in the 10th standard. when my english teacher said very casually while doing Vanity Fair with us that in the 16th century men liked women with big bosom. ? wha? that doesnt make sense. and i started loving tgrammar cause i was so good at figures of speech and most people sucked at it. when did i grow up?
i was TERRIBLE in school. cheee. but i washed my hair everyday. why dont do that now? and i had think hair. not like this jhadu i have now.
and that prayer we recited.
the more i learn the btter i see how little i know
how little i kow of my own capacity to know
every branch of knowledge is so rick so complex
one can study a lifetime and still be a beginner.
......
dont remember anymore

i was good at art. always. and i was good at language. both of these were effortless. and i was good at sciences. and i took pride in being good at math. and i took pride in getting bad marks in history and geography because that meant that i was smart and intellegent and logic driven and not a stupid dumchick who MUGGED her way.
i've wasted the best years of my life.
now what.